Sir Salty McPorpoise
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Sir Salty McPorpoise

Sir Salty McPorpoise

Sir Salty McPorpoise

I found this note taped to the galley stove this morning:

To the Kaptin of the slowist oshun-goin saylin tub this here side of the Pasifick:

See in az whur nere to makin landfal and hafin to klere custumz AND close to sum of thee finist fishin groundz in the wurld, I hereby tendur my rezignashun as Chief Steward, Chief Medical Offisir, Chief Fisherees Offisir, Karpintur, and Saylmakur. I xpect that my pay, rashuns, and grog will  not be affected by my rezining of these duteez.

If I am no longer incumbird by the ownerus rezponsibillitees of the above appointments, I wood be free and klere to sign on with another ship. In partickular, a fishin ship. Az yu know, these waterz are filled with fishin vessils of all sizes. Givun my reputashun as a wurld klass fisher of fishes and known the wurld over as such, most of the fishin tubs here will be fighting themslves for the awnur ov havin me aboard.

However, some stroke ov luck might preevent us from krossin wakez with an appropriate oppurtinitee aboard a fishin tub that kin trulee appresheate my yuneek and wurkd klas skillz. In that case, my rezignashuns will haf seen my name struck from the log in those khapsiteez and thereby will not draw any attenshun to myself shood a cureeus custumz offisur bother to purrooze it. I wood verree much preefur to remain unknown to Kanadium Custumz and the publik in generul on our return.

Custumz may enquire as to the small matter of sum severul tuns of illeegullee (alledged) caught and imported tuna, I will haf yu know I was helping a friend of a friend’s friend whose reefridjurashun unit had failed when the RCMP broke in and made the arrests. Altho I no nuthing about reefridjurashun, I thought a friendlee face and a few encuraging remarks wood be appreeciated.

There is also a misunderstanding regarding a large sum of Chinese Yuen owed (alledgedlee) to a notoreeus Chinese gamgstur and Triad boss. That may come up. And a rather embarassing incident where I was mistakenlee swept up in a melee cauzed by some grogged Navy saylorz. The police might ask about that. Newz of our arrival might alurt them to me beeing aboard.

You also might want to steer klere of the Empresss hotel as my name might kum up with regard to a small sum owed for damages to a suite I stayed in (alledgedlee) last August. I had genurously payed for the suite with a credit card while vacashuning abroad for those aforementiond friendz so naturalee there is some confusion as to who or how the fire started. I dont know how that same card got used at the Capital City Bar and Grill where a rather large tab was rung up but the ownurz of that establishment may kum snooping around az well. Just so yu know.

If no suitable posishun aboard a fishin vessel can be found on such short notice, and if yu think it might help, I haf a very eefektiv and convincing porpoise disguise that has fooled many a weaker-minded individual ne’er do well.


Etc., Etc.

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